Monday, September 30, 2002

Link of the Day

Alex Knapp wonders if the Democrats are having a Bulworth fantasy. That movie was so stupid. I liked the part where he was shot in the end.

IMAO, UMAO, we're all MAO

I notice that I am now the number one result on Google for "IMAO". Thanks to all who have linked to me to make this possible. To celebrate this meaningless accomplishment, I have added a new link to the left to further frustrate all the people who come to my page in the futile hope of finding out what IMAO means.

I'm Just in a "Make Stuff Up" Mood

Sen. Toricelli has dropped out of the race for Senate, saying he needed to devote more time to his family and avoiding prosecution. He finally decided that he could not both fulfill his duties as Senator while at the same time reliably evading capture from authorities. Toricelli will fulfill the remainder of his term, collecting as much money for favors as he can in his last ninety days, and then, true to his nickname, "torch" his Senate office before fleeing for whereabouts unknown. Here at IMAO, we (i.e., I) wish him well.

Everytime Someone Punches a Hippy, Baby Jesus Smiles

Dirty, filthy hippy Ira Einhorn is going on trial this week for murder, but can't we can't kill him because of an agreement with France. He fled there trying to escape the law, and France wouldn't give him back to us unless we agreed not to kill him. Who knows how many mangy hippies are hiding in France just so we can't execute them? This is where America could really use an ally who does executions, because then we could be like, "Hey, we won't kill him, France. You can give him to us." Then we hand him over to our ally and have them string him up while we laugh at the stupid Frogs. Seriously, though, France shouldn't stand in the way of executions; we'll never have closer on the 60's until we've killed all hippies dead.

There Weren't as Many Protestors as There Used to Be, and Now There's Less

2,500 hundred protestors marched in front of Dick Cheney's residence on Sunday, blaming him for the push towards war. Now I heard that Cheney was trying to take a nap at the time, so he was royally pissed when all the whining idiots woke him up. The protestors didn't even see him coming as they just stood there chanting, "No blood for oil!" just barely turning in time to see Cheney flying towards them crying, "Blood!!!" They stood there like deer caught in the headlights as he dived tackled three protestors at once and then proceeded to pummel five more until he started feeling some pains in his chest. Then he knocked down and beat the crap out of two more of them before calling it a night.

And what's with the protestors still using "No Blood for Oil" slogans? Update: we don't care about oil. Those bastards in the Middle East killed are people and are plotting to kill more; what we want is their blood. I guess "No Blood for Blood" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, though.

Sunday, September 29, 2002

Links of the Day

Andrea Harris discusses the traitors Jim McDermott and David Bonoir. I say string them up soon as they reach the states and then let The Children™ hit their dangling bodies with sticks. If you think that is too harsh, the sticks can be padded with foam. Andrea also reveals her sordid, Democrat-voting past.

Also, Spoons wonders if the fact that only a few hundred grams - not 33 pounds as first thought - of uranium was seized in Turkey means more danger, not less.

Carrying a Firearm is Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

As long as its still possible to get attacked by a tiger while just strolling through Illinois, I think that's all the argument one needs for the necessity of carrying a firearm.

Crazy Glasses Wearing Man

I was just watching that video of Daschle freaking out at how Bush pointed out how he doesn't care about the security of the American people. He starts totally freaking out, flailing his arms wildly while exclaiming, "Outrageous! Outrageous!" Then, he quickly snatches the glasses off his face and immediately calms down saying almost somberly, "He should apologize." So what's with the glasses? Is that like his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation? Are they laced with LSD and cause psychosis when with contact to the skin? The American people need to know.

We Still Have Unions? I Thought We Crushed Them All

Unions are afraid of getting blame for nothing happening on homeland security since they are so closely associated with the Democrats who, if I recall correctly, recently released a statement saying, "We aren't concerned with the security of the American people. Screw the American people." Unions, on the other hand, want to just focus all their unconcern at the well being of American industry and the long term welfare of American workers, but the president has been blaming them for holding up homeland security bills. One objection the unions raised is that they don't want Custom Service workers to have to give their home phone numbers to their employer. Now I was unaware you could get a job anywhere without giving your boss your phone number, so this seems wacky at first, but then I thought about it a little more. I've seen The Sopranos; I know what union people are like. Why in the world should they have to give their phone number to their employer when the FBI should already be tapping their phone line? That does seem a bit silly.

Now, I'm not against unions. When employees used to be whipped regularly and locked in dungeons, then a union was probably helpful to say, "No. That bad." But, now all unions seem to do is try to convince workers they are essential while all the union bosses are really concerned about is making themselves fatter and filled with cigar smoke. Oh, and one more thing: please don't hurt me.

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Most of This Post is Made Up... I Think

New Jersey Senator Torricelli took time off from embezzling to say people shouldn't just focus on the war but be more vigilant of the economy as well. "As families across the nation sit down at their kitchen tables today, conversation is just as likely to turn to the mounting threats to our economic security," he stated, though he has been too busy scrounging for illegal campaign contributions to talk to his own family in months. He gained this knowledge by illegally spying on New Jersey families looking for information he could use to black mail votes out of them. "For the first time in eight years, the number of Americans living in poverty is growing, while the middle class is shrinking," he added, pausing to stare at a woman pushing a stroller nearby, barely resisting the urge to throw the child into traffic. Finishing his statements, he suddenly jumped into a Porsche with David Chang and sped towards Mexico. Soon after, police cars were seen in hot pursuit. His current whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, quickly notify the police. He is considered to be armed and fairly liberal, so approach with caution.

License to Whup Ass

God do I hate globalization protestors. Yesterday they caused a bunch of trouble, and today we all know they'll cause more. So why can't we preemptively strike these idiots? I know, I know, people have a right to free speech and protest, so we can't hurt them before they actually do something. But we all know they're going to do something, so why can't the police go to a judge, show him the past history of these dumbass protestors, and get a beating permit. Next we trick the protestors into thinking the World Bank and IMF meetings are down some dark alleyway. Then the police surround them and beat them like red-headed stepchildren. Now, don't take me out of context; I don't mean they should be beat within an inch of their lives. They should just be each given a few whomps to the head to knock the bad thinking out. Of course, as happens with anything effective America may do, other world leaders may protest what we've done. We then tell them we're really sorry and we've decided to have a big meeting with other countries to discuss it. Next we trick them into thinking the meeting is down some dark alleyway and then - POW! - we knock the European sensibilities out of them. We do this enough times, we'll have world peace!

It's Always the Ones You Least Suspect

"Turkish Police Seize Weapons-Grade Uranium"

We better kill them quick before they make a bomb.

Friday, September 27, 2002

Then Again, We'd Have to See Him in Nothing But a Diaper

Kennedy has come out against going to war with Iraq. He outlines a number of reasons to which I respond by pointing out how large his head is. It's HUGE! He has to be obese to lower his center of gravity and keep from toppling over. Now, the size of his head probably has nothing to do with the value of his arguments, but I would then point out that Rep. Nadler has a very large head as well. Anyway, depite his enourmous head and the fact that he talks funny, Kennedy still has some pull in the Senate, due probably to the fear from other Senators that he might eat them, offer them a ride home, or, worst of all, headbutt them. Hopefully he won't slow down America's momentum for action the way he would slow down a bus by boarding it, as many Democrats may listen to him and a few may then understand what he is saying. So, this begs the question: who is the largest Republican Senator? I think we should settle this issue the way they settle all disputes in Japan - by battle of sumo.

Now Terrorists Know Where the Aliens are Buried

Terrorist numbnut Zacarias Moussaoui was somehow given classified documents. This seems like a major screw up, because it's bad enough when classified information is given to just some regular old guy who is not supposed to know it, but just handing the information to the specific people we're trying to keep it from is uber-worse. I don't think it was a mistake, though. I think they did it to make sure they can execute Moussaoui.

"We told him, so now we have to kill him."

The Politics of Punching

Bush scaled back his Iraq resolution so the Democrats might not be such whiny bitches about it. Instead of being able to kill anyone he wants when he wants and making it optional to tell anyone, he decided to be nice and limit his killing and tell the Speaker of the House and the president pro tempore before mass-slaughter commences. I guess he'd just say, "Hey, just so you know, I'm going to kill me some Iraqis." Then he could shake his fist at them and threaten, "And don't you tell any of the Europeans so they can ruin my fun." And I bet they would listen, because Bush looks like he might actually follow through and punch someone. So I think this system works fine. Daschle, who I believe said in a speech he is not interested in the security of the American people, still thinks there is a long way to go with the resolution. Who knows what that means? He probably wants to remove all that distracting war talk and instead make the Iraq resolution a repeal of the tax cut. Perhaps Bush can punch him. He'll probably whine about it to the press, but then Bush can threaten to punch him again. Daschle will then remember how much that first punch hurt and capitulate. It's a common but effective political strategy. Anyway, something needs to be done to get moving on the Iraq attack; every day Saddam's palaces aren't piles of rubble, baby Jesus cries.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Me No Like War. Me No Like Republicans. Me Streisand.

I think the best description of many people in the entertainment industry is "well meaning retards." They all want to genuinely help people so much, but they just happen to be some of the dumbest people to ever grace God's green earth. There is hardly a better example than Barbra Streisand. Were she some regular person, she'd just be an idiot on the street who no one ever listened to enough to gain a full appreciation of how profoundly stupid she is. Instead, as part of some cruel joke, she is famous and we all get to hear her amusing idiocy. The Drudge Report has obtained a fax she sent to "Gebhardt" (yes, it's misspelled, but give her credit for getting the silent 'd' right), and she rails against the war on Iraq and the evil Republicans in a manner that is not only moronic, but also cliched. So, who gave her the idea she had anything original or intelligent to say? They must be very mean people and should be hurt. Yes, it's funny to laugh at Streisand, but do those who encourage her to speak out ever stop to think of her feelings? She is a human being, and, if they had any concern for her, the would lock her away in a home and train her to keep quiet through a series of painful shocks.

So What Nation is it Supposed to Be?

Christopher Hitchens is leaving The Nation. This is a good idea. The Nation is one hilarious magazine, but Hitchens was never that funny. Unless I was missing the joke, it was almost like he was writing serious, thoughtfull pieces instead of parodies of left-wing editorials. He was just really out of place in that magazine. Well, maybe now that The Nation is pure humor, The Onion will buy it up and integrate its content.

Flattery of the Highest Order

I think I have just been given the best compliment ever, because it involved a reference to both the Simpsons and Gen. Patton. Anyway, Mean Mr. Mustard is one awesome blog. He's a Berkley student, but not a left-wing idiot! It's hard to comprehend; you must see it for yourself.

Maybe They Could Give Him a Talking Dinosaur as a Sidekick

They are planning on making another Superman movie, and Moriarty of Aint It Cool News has a script review. It looks like it's going to be craptastic. Krypton, Superman's home planet, never explodes, and they take Lex Luthor, the evil billionaire corporate tyrrant (and you think that would be a popular villian these days) and instead make him a CIA agent and an alien. I just hope they don't do to Superman what they did to Batman. First, Tim Burton made the movies too dark and too weird, but it wasn't that bad. But then Joel Schumacher took over, and, with each movie, moved it closer to gay porno. Well, whatever they do, if it's an FDA certified blockbuster and contains lots of explosions, I'll probably still go see it.

Does Religion Kill?

Bill Quick pointed out an article where some religious people are being silly pacifists, and then goes on to say "Religion makes some people murderously violent, but with others, it seems to cause blind idiocy." Now, it is pretty easy to interpret that as saying for those whom religion doesn't make murderously violent, it causes blind idiocy (though I believe Bill meant it as a condemnation of some religious people). Understandably, the comment section erupted with a lot of people arguing at and around each other. I just wanted to tackle one point brought up, which is the atheist assertion that religion is responsible for lots of wars and killing. Usually, I hear a tally of body counts, but that proves religion makes people more violent as much as it does that having ten fingers makes people more violent. Just as most people have ten fingers, by far, most people throughout history have been religious, so of course religion is going to be a factor among the killers. The difference between religion and finger count, is that religion is often used as a reason for violence while having ten fingers is not so often used as a one (except maybe if they are wars about mathematics). But wars have goals that are valuable to nonreligious people who are evil such as land, wealth, and power, and I haven't seen any evidence that one wouldn't have just used a different reason for violence if, by magic, a religious reason were not available, same as one might use a bomb to kill people if a gun isn't available (religion doesn't kill people, people kill people). As we've seen in the past century with things such as communism, people can just as easily latch on to nonreligious beliefs as a reason for killing. And there are many atheists who are just as fanatical and irrational about their beliefs as any religious fundamentalist. All I've seen proven is that religion doesn't always prevent violence in all cases (well, a lot of cases), but that's hardly a very strong condemnation of it.

Sorry, that wasn't very funny, but I have to indulge myself sometimes. Now, an unrelated question I'm quite curious about: Are there atheists who think religion is a good thing? I.e. that the existence of a supreme being is a silly thing, but still it's a useful fantasy?

These Things I Believe Part IV

In my compilation of beliefs, I have added opinions on big government, slave reparations, and the value of pi. Now you'll know what to think on those issues.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Link of the Day

Joanne Jacobs discusses how Japan is changing its rigid system of education to try and be more like America's failing schools. Make sure to check out the comments sections for some first hand accounts of the Japanese education system. I usually think copying America is one of the best ideas any country can have, but perhaps they'd do better emulating other things than our schools.

What Color is the Sky in this Alternate Universe?

France saved our schoolchildren in the Ivory Coast... by using force. When I first saw the news report, I thought I was watching an episode of Sliders. I feel ashamed that France bailed us out, but I guess there is no reason. They just acted quickly and decisively as any good country should have, but usually as only America ever would. I guess France has decided not to compete with Germany for most cowardly nation and instead go the other route. So, how do I say this... uh... oh yeah...

Thank you, France.

It looks grammatically correct, but why does it seem so odd?

So What If Democrat's Aren't Interested in the Security of the American People? I'm Not Interested in Their Security

Daschle is having a hissy fit because Bush stated the obvious that, "Democrats are not interested in the security of the American people." I can sympathize, as this whole fighting terrorism stuff is sure inconvenient for Democrats during the election cycle. When the issue is important stuff like national security and keeping America safe from murderers, Republicans are trusted more. Democrats, on the other hand, are much more trusted with piddling crap. People think that Democrats are too whiny and touchy-feely to kill bad people when needed but are just whiny enough to get them cheaper prescriptions and free stuff. Problem is, when the focus is important things like wars, people don't give a rats ass about saving a few cents on Prozac, so the Democrats need to keep the focus away from the war. Is this the same as not being interested in the security of the American people? Yes, but it's not fair to point that out. If the Democrats were all really interested in keeping people safe from terrorists, then they'd all have to resign and appoint competent Republicans in their place (competent = not like Hagel), and that's expecting a little too much of them.

Kids These Days

A Berkeley study shows that teenagers are more conservative on average than their parents. The results of the poll were that teenagers were more in favor of federal funding of faith based charities, school prayer, and restrictions on abortion than adults even though so many of them dress like stupid punks. This is a good thing, but the article doesn't seem to say why this happened. Was it just a result of simple teenage rebellion?

"My parents are always like, 'Let's abort everybody and not pray,' but I'm not like my parents."
"Yeah, parents are so stupid and tend towards left-wing positions on social issues. Let's go hang out at the mall."

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Link of the Day

I was thinking how Tony Blair is pretty cool now and that you can't trust Saddam, but Juan Gato showed me why I'm wrong. You can't argue with things when you assign numbers to it.

Not Being Able to Kill Makes Me Violent

I'm not good at this leagal mumbo jumbo; did the death penalty get outlawed again? What's it with with these judges anyway? First they say we can only execute members of Mensa, then we can't give props to God when saying the pledge, and now we can't kill criminals all together. What gives? Now we'll just have to stick to killing evil foreigners; much less paperwork. Hell, we can "regime change" until the seas turn red with blood and we don't have to do any appeals or nut'n. Well, I just hope that when attacked by a criminal in the street you still don't have to go through some trial before being able to unload a fifteen round clip into the guy and then slapping in another clip and unloading that into him and then kicking him a few times. And I better not end up being stuck at the police station answering questions for an hour next time either.

Frank Discovers a New Country

I read that American troops are headed to the Ivory Coast. My first question was, what country or countries is the Ivory Coast in? Ends up - I'm not making this up - it is a country! A country named "Ivory Coast." That's not even a good enough name for like a little town. I could maybe see it as the name of a hotel, but a whole country! What war did they lose to get stuck with that name? So, I looked it up in the CIA World Fact Book, but it wasn't there. So I then looked under 'C' in case it was listed as "Coast, Ivory" for some reason. There I found Cote d'Ivoire which seemed to be it. I found out they have close ties to France and export coffee before my attention span petered out. Anyway, the American troops are going there to save missionary children from violent rebels (can we be anymore the "good guys" than that?) and perhaps kill some Ivory Coastians or whatever you call them. Well, Godspeed to them and... is one of it's neighbors named "Burkina Faso"? Well, I guess not everyone can make fun of the Ivory Coast. My God, how many countries are there?

Yellow Is Good, Right?

We have now returned to yellow alert. I guess I'll go back to leaving the safety on when I carry my gun.

These Things I Believe Part III

In my compilation of beliefs, I have added my opinions on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and random ninja attacks and offer my solutions.

Monday, September 23, 2002

Link of the Day

Stephen Green deals with a letter from an illiterate idiot upset because of bad things said about Germany and what not. Why don't dumb people know that complaining about stuff only further exposes their idiocy? I guess because they're dumb. I haven't gotten any hate mail for my site, but I once got a bunch when I wrote a rant for a humor newsletter. Here is my favorite:

"you rainforest rant was spoken like a truly uninformed, unintelligent person, and i hope you get hit a truck"

And the guy actually signed his name to that. If I was going to write incoherent complaints, I'd at least do it anonymously.

...wait a second, I do write anonymously.

A Frank Lesson in Diplomacy

Now that we hate Germany, the uestion is what to do about it. One's first instinct is to make a declaration, "We hate Germany!" and then launch cruise missiles at them. Though it is logical, we'd be called "undiplomatic" for doing that, and there is nothing worse than being called undiplomatic. Instead, we have to express our hatred for the Germans in less obvious ways while never actually owning up to how much we think they suck. Here are some ways:

*In a "typo," have Germany listed in the axis of evil. Say you thought you remembered them being in an axis of some sort.
*Have the president casually refer to Germany as a "third world country." Deny it later.
*In official documents, constantly use the phrase, "So simple, even a German could understand it."
*Throw great party inviting all America's allies and even a few terrorist nations such as Syria, Lybia, and Holland, but conspicuously don't invite Germany.
*Have the American Kennel Club change the name of the German Shepherd to the "Stupid Kraut Dog." Have it described as the dumbest and smelliest breed of dog.
*Move German embassy moved to back room at local IHOP. Make sure they don't get any special discounts there.
*Have a secret ops mission to give Schroeder a wedgie just before a major speech. Make jokes about it but deny all culpability.
*When picking teams for an international kick ball game, and the final choice is between France and Germany, from now on pick France.

If Germany still seems to not get the picture, then, before all the U.N., have America say, "Anyone who is an ally of Germany, raise your hand," and make sure its said in a way that other countries know they'll be made fun of too if they do raise their hand. Then no one will say they like Germany. Hopefully that will finally get them to elect a leader we can trust, like someone named Joe Smith who doesn't speak German at all.

Achtung! A Few Things You Should Know About Schroeder

Gerhard Schroeder won the election yesterday. Know who also won an election in the past? Hitler. Hitler was elected in Germany. Know what country Schroeder won his election in? Germany as well. Schroeder was wearing a nice suit and tie for the occasion - just like Hitler used to wear - and combed his hair too - like Hitler. He then gave a speech - Hitler loved speeches - in German (guess what language Hitler spoke) while standing up (no wheelchair for Hitler) and, though I don't know the text of the speech (know whose speeches I also don't know the text of? That's right, Hitler!), I'm sure it was all about how he'd improve Germany, just like Hitler would promise. Schroeder also said he wouldn't help America fight Iraq. Now, who is that other person who never helped America fight Iraq? Oh yeah, Hitler! And what kind of name is Gerhard? I've never known anyone named Gerhard. I've also never known anyone named Adolph. To be fair, there are some differences between Schroeder and Hitler. Hitler had a mustache, but Schroeder, quite conspicuously, does not (almost too conspicuously, if you ask me). Also, Schroeder is not responsible for the death of millions, but, hey, the night is still young.

Sunday, September 22, 2002

Link of the Day

Mr. Misha sets the record straight on how America became blessed with Texas. Early on in my life, my family almost moved to Texas, but wound up in New Jersey instead. I guess it gave me character.

Funny Because It's True

I'm watching Tremors III on USA, and these killer monster worms are attacking this small town once again. So the townsfolk, now experienced with dealing with them (it is the second sequel), get a posse together to go hunt and kill them. Except this time, suddenly the Feds show up to stop them because they'd be violating the endangered species act. Definitely not a plot point you'd see in a 50's monster movie.

Also, it's cool to have a movie where the main hero is a right-wing gun-nut.

Big Finale

Israel still hasn't crushed the office Arafat is trapped in. I guess the reason they are taking so long is that they are setting up from some sort of big finale. My idea is an implosion/explosion. First they set off charges causing the building to collapse in on itself into a pile of rubble. Then, just as the rubble is about to settle, some other explosives below the base are set off which sends all the debris flying outward. Might make confirming the bodies kinda hard, but it'll be cool to watch!

Should Do Well in Latin America

Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jesus and have it in two ancient languages - Latin and Aramaic - with no subtitles. I think this is a good idea. I had Latin in high school, and there wasn't very much interesting stuff out there to translate. The Romans, despite killing lots of people, never made any movies. This one guy Virgil wrote this epic called Aeneid, but he didn't really ever finish it, and, frankly, it does need some editing (those guys need to lay off the semicolons). So more cool stuff in Latin would have made class more interesting, and watching a movie, any movie, is usually better than the regular work. Hopefully schools won't get scared away from it because it involves Jesus; some people don't like religious stuff like that though I thought everyone liked Jesus. He was real nice guy to everyone and he never lost his temper... well, except for that one time when he freaked out and started knocking over table in a temple (note to self: when asking, "What would Jesus do?" remember that the answer is sometimes "Freak out and knock over tables.") Anyway, when they show the movie here, I hope they leave enough lights on in the theater so I can read my Latin dictionary and perhaps understand every eighth word or so ("He said 'es', that means he's telling that guy 'you are' something.").

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Commercial Scare Frank. Frank Smash!

I just saw one of those pro-Saudi commercials on Fox News, and damn that was surreal. You have all these great American politicians standing there next to the most evil looking A-rabs with their devil-beards and sheet-like clothing. Was it supposed to be a compare and contrast? Those Sauds looked so out of place, you'd think the pictures were made using photoshop. They could have stuck in a picture of Truman standing next to Darth Vader and I probably wouldn't have noticed because it would have fit the theme so well. And what is the viewer's reactions supposed to be? At one point, I nearly shouted out, "Watch out, Reagan! He's right behind you!" but I doubt that was the intended response. Anyway, now I'm really scared of the Sauds and am going to lobby my congressman to kill them all. You hear that, Rep. Weldon? They better all be "regime changed" by November if you want my vote.

Jackie Chan Will Kick All Our Asses in a Most Entertaining Manner

The entertainment industry wants to be given the right to hack into our computers to stop copyright infringement of their material. My opinion on the subject is that if musicians don't want to get screwed, then they just shouldn't try to express themselves artistically. Also, I think giving the entertainment industry special vigilante powers is bad precedent. First, it starts with David Bowie hacking into your PC, but what next? Will Alec Baldwin later be able to kick down your door with the entertainment industry SWAT team at his side and then search your home for copied videos? Will Arnold Schwarzenegger be able to beat up anyone who tries to imitate him ("I am Ah-nuld!"). Will P Diddy or whatever the hell you call that idiot be able to gun you down in the street for making an mp3 of one of his songs he stole from someone else? Artists are already deranged and violent people, and they should be given less power, not more. This is all a very bad idea, unless, of course, I become part of the entertainment industry. Then it would be pretty damn cool.

Guns Are Like Art, Except Not Useless

Mesa, Arizona Mayor Keno Hawker is proposing that confiscated firearms be sold in auction instead of destroyed. This shows that Hawker is a moral man, because destroying guns is wrong. Guns are cool looking, which makes them a work of art, and you don't destroy works of art (unless it's made by some hippy). Would you destroy the Mona Lisa just because it was confiscated from a criminal? And what about other things confiscated from criminals, do they ever think to destroy those too? Like, if a box of puppies was taken from a criminal cartel, would they just throw them all in a fire? No, the only item they do this to is guns, because there are evil people out there who hate freedom, hate America, hate themselves, hate their mothers, hate apple pie, hate humanity, and hate guns (and probably would throw puppies in a fire if they could). These hateful people should be routed out of office so that confiscated guns can be sold at auction and thus giving cheap guns to a needy populace and, along with it, love and happiness.

Friday, September 20, 2002

Hole Punching

Just got back from the range, and man is it fun to shoot stuff. I think there is probably an innate desire in man to shoot things, which would explain why primitive man was so violent; they had no guns to shoot stuff with to satiate their desire and thus were always frustrated and angry. Stupid primitive man. Anyway, now I have to go clean my guns like a good boy.

Shell Shock

It seems that whenever there is a suicide bombing, later on the news we'll hear, "This just in: there are reports of the Israelis shelling Arafat's compound," and they act all surprised even though it happens everytime. The Israelis always assure the media that they are not targeting Arafat and won't kill or expel him. Instead, they just seem perfectly content killing and destroying everyone and everything around him. I think that's fine and dandy, but I have just one question: how big is this compound? Aren't the Israelis going to eventually run out of parts of it to shell, the whole thing being ruduced to one room containing Arafat who is frantically cleaning the dust off him with baby wipes? Then what do they do? Do they just fire really near where Arafat is while exclaiming, "Not shelling you! Not shelling you!" If it makes any difference, the Israelis have my permission to finally go ahead and kill and expel Arafat. I really don't see how anyone will care that much; maybe the impotent Germans will whine about it, but it's not like anyone will do anything. Then Israelis can then get back on to the road to peace and start shelling all the other Palestinian buildings.

These Things I Believe Part II

I have added more topics to my compilation of beliefs. I have covered the income tax and religion, which I'm sure everyone will agree with, but I also give my opinion on monkeys, which I have a feeling will be quite controversial. I've also added a personal story to my opinion on guns to give it more color.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Link of the Day

This is so horrible, it's funny. And is what he mentions at the end really how the Jewish excommunicate each other?

New Century, New Whiny Cowards

I now must declare that a new country has won the title of the biggest weenie in all the world. France had held that title for pretty much all of the last century, but, when Gerhard Schroeder's justice minister, Herta Daeubler-Gmelin, compared Bush to Hitler, Germany has unseated France in a stunning upset. Some saw it coming, though, when Germany actually started out-doving France on the Iraq issue, but, personally, I'm still in shock of my own announcement. I don't know how I'll tell my father who taught me to hate the French that now I can't waste time on French jokes when the Germans are in much more need of derision. Those who were formerly violent nazis trying to take over the world will now do anything to keep from lifting a hand to help it, and now I must toss out my French jokes in search of new German ones. It's a brave new world out there, and there are now new cowards to whine and pester us.

Rings of Peace

Did you know that the earth used to have rings? Wow, wouldn't that be cool. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the moon. It just sits there, and all we ever see is the one side. Why don't we blow it up to make some rings again? I think that's a great project for America to do. After we blow up the moon, soon everyone would see the world's wonderful new rings, and then maybe they would decide to stop disliking America and to be nice to everybody. Isn't that a happy thought? Someone send me millions and I'll get working on the demolitions.

I Guess Now Inspections Are the Cool Thing to Have

Now that Iraq wants inspections, suddenly North Korea wants them too. It the remaining member of the axis of evil, Iran, asks for them, then you know they're plotting something. I say go with the inspections, but be real cautious. Keep those jets fueled and waiting. If anything starts to look out of place, if the people there start giving the inspectors funny looks, or if something smells funny, then immediately take those countries out. As my pappy always told me about North Korea, Iran, and Iraq, don't trust commies, Islamic crazies, or anyone with a big bushy mustache.

These Things I Believe Part I

I've decided to begin compiling all my beliefs into one file so it will be easier for people to know what to think. My first three topics are guns, drug legalization, and the circumference of the earth. I will eventually try and cover all the big topics, but any suggestions would be appreciated (if Haloscan isn't being fussy).

NOTE: Opinions are not up for argument. If you disagree with any of them, just accept that you are wrong. You'll be stronger for it.

UPDATE: Doug Murray of Cracker Commentary has this to say about my circumference of the earth measurement:

"Your three mile discrepancy is easy to understand; I saw it often when I was in accounting.

"You number is obviously more recent, so you probably used more advanced equipment, say, Tape Measure 9.08, and needed only a single measurement. Your predecessors would have had more primitive gear and needed to add up several readings. In doing so, someone might have fat-fingered a digit one row too high (e.g. 6 for 3) resulting in this all too common error.

"Of course, there is the possibility, since most materials shrink as they cool, that both readings are correct and you have just disproved global warming."

He sounds like he knows what's he's talking about, so I must have disproved global warming. How do I get money for that?

No Comment Redux

You may have noticed there are no comments anymore. This is because I decided I don't like to hear what any of you have to say. Incidentally, this change of heart coincides with Haloscan being down. If I once again change my opinion on comments with correspondence to the Haloscan servers functioning, you will be updated.

UPDATE: I've decided I want to hear what people have to say again. Please do not comment on this post, though.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Link of the Day

ByFluX captures the essence of my favorite handgun in the most concise manner.

Tagline Mania!

Part of having a short attention span is that I get bored of things quickly. Thus I have now implemented a rotating tagline (thanks to Laurence Simon for the help). Hopefully, I can soon come up with tons of cool taglines. Collect them all!

A Frank Lesson in Physics

European scientist have created a bunch of antihydrogen to allow them to test some physics theories. Now, you might think that antihydrogen would make your voice lower if inhaled from an antiballoon, but actually, if physic theories hold up, antihydrogen should act just like regular hydrogen. So, you'd then think the experiment to test whether our physics theories hold up is for one of the scientists to inhales the antihydrogen and then see if he can make the other scientists laugh by saying, "Waaaaaaaaaasup!" The problem with that is that antimatter doesn't get along well with regular matter, and thus the scientist's head would explode (plus, the whole "wassup" thing is pretty tired now and not likely to cause laughs even when aided by helium). Though sudden explosions of the head might make the other scientists chuckle if they are mad scientists, it wouldn't prove anything we don't already know. What they would need is an antiscientist to inhale the antihydrogen and then try to talk in an high-pitch antivoice. But the antiscientist would explode in a regular lab, so we'd need an antilab to house him. But there aren't any antilabs, because it looks like there is only regular old matter in the universe. This is a strange asymmetrical quality to the universe, and my theory is that early on there was a big matter war and our matter won out because it is much more superior to that other stupid matter. I don't have any evidence to back up this theory, but I do have drawings of what I think the laser guns they used looks like.

Anyway, I have a better idea for the antihydrogen than proving physics (I gave up on physics after I heard about that quantum crap; I don't care if it's true - it's stupid). First, let's steal it from Europe; I don't like them having things we don't. Then, we can put it in a regular looking balloon with a special magnetized field to contain it. Next, we find a dictator that likes to entertain his guests by inhaling helium from balloons and imitating Mickey Mouse (I think Castro is one). Finally, we replace one of his balloons with our balloon of death, and, then, when he inhales the contents, BOOM!! And no one will ever believe we replaced one of his balloons with one filled with antihydrogen because that's just too convoluted a plan. It's perfect!

UPDATE: Whoops. In my zeal, I didn't realize I was talking about hydrogen and not helium. I'm not sure how that could have happened (actually, it was probably something like the Moses effect), but I blame communists. So, will inhaling hydrogen also make one's voice high-pitch, or is my plan shot (kids, do not find this out by trying to inhale hydrogen... especially if you plan on having a smoke afterwards)? I guess the plan could be saved by taking the antihydrogen to an antisun so that it would use its antifusion to make antihelium, but now this is almost getting to be a little too complicated.

Time to Pimp Slap Russia

Now that Iraq has supposedly agreed to inspections, some countries are backing off of the "kick the crap out of Iraq" initiative. Now, that's not surprising for Arab nations, and any one with any sense never listens to anything they say anyway, but what's up with Russia? Why do they think they can dis' us? We beat them in the Cold War; they're our bitch now. Hell, we even financially support the poor saps now when they should just be greatful that Reagan didn't deem it proper to nuke them out of existence with his magical Star Wars weapons. Hopefully Bush will take a hardline with them and remind those mo'fo's that we're the only superpowers now and we don't like being disobeyed.

Call Me Jingo

Best of the Web yesterday had a item entitled "Civil Liberties, Europe Style" that reminded me of an important fact: while people may complain about infringement of some rights here, all other countries completely suck on that issue. It's like we're the only ones even know what liberty is. The French are always jailing and fining people for speech they don't like, Britain thinks nothing of people's privacy, and Canada... well let's just say I try not spend much time there because Lord knows what kind of Mickey Mouse law I could suddenly be charged with (and I won't repeat that in French). Once we're done "regime changing" our enemies until they are all dead and buried, we need to start a campaign to educate other countries so that maybe they can achieve but a hundredth of our greatest.

Also, for a while I've been wanting to spout off about the oft used phrase, "America is the only civilized country that..." such as in "America is the only civilized country that has the death penalty." It would be a fine phrase indeed, except that it's used to criticize the U.S. instead of other "civilized" countries. Now, it's obvious that America is the greatest country ever and the only one God likes, so wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that to achieve this unique greatness we would do tons of things that other countries don't? So, shouldn't the phrase "America is the only civilized country that..." be followed by the phrase "So that's what all you other countries should emulate so that you might be less pathetic than you are now. Oh yeah, and bathe more often, too."

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Link of the Day

John Hawkins has produced a guide to refuting Noam Chomsky with appropriate links. Now I won't have to just resort to making fun of his name.

I'm Starting PUTP: People for the Unethical Treatment of PETA

So PETA has been giving money to terrorists, but that's not the big news to me. Now people are demanding that their tax exempt status be removed, to which I reply, "What the @#&$! They had tax exempt status!" Why the hell wouldn't they have to pay taxes!? I mean, do you get tax exempt for just being a bunch of annoying, moronic dicks? Do teenagers get tax exempt status? Well, hopefully now the meat-consuming FBI will get on their asses and show them you the meanest, toughest animals are, which, incidentally, are the the only ones who make good use of tasers and cudgels when they get pissed off.

The Long Floridian Nightmare is Over

Reno has conceded.

(pause for sigh of relief)

I'm just so happy that there is no chance Reno isn't going to be my governor that I really don't give a rat's ass about the main election. As long as McBride isn't planning to pass any gun laws or start an income tax, it's all good. Of course, I'm still going to vote for Bush... and it better be a landslide so we don't have to worry about this recount crap.

And what's with everyone blaming the voting mess on Jeb? What was he supposed to do to fix the voting problems? Deport all the stupid Democrats to Cuba? I bet the Democrats would complain then, too. And the Cubans, already dealing with the tyranny of Castro, certainly don't deserve all those drooling idiots. Then again, if we filled Cuba with retardo Florida voters, maybe next time Castro holds a phony election Buchanan will be named president.

Hopefully It Won't Come Down to Nuclear Inspections

Iraq has decided to let in weapon inspectors. Dammit. This isn't going to ruin our plans to kick the crap out of them, is it? Can't we just bomb them anyway and call it inspections? After we hit their buildings, we observe the color of the resultant flame to find out what chemicals were inside; sounds more efficent than walking through the buildings. We could also inspect much of their ground troops and military hardware. Finally, we should inspect Saddam with a sniper rifle.

And if any of you U.N. members complain, then we'll inspect you next. Capisce?

Writing Anti-Gun Arguments is a Disease

First Michael Bellesiles makes stuff up facts for his bogus anti-gun book, and Dave Kopel in this article mention a woman named Lois Schwoerer who uses a dictionary definition to support her argument, and then makes up that definition! What is wrong with these anti-gun nuts? They're supposed to be scholars, but they're so tied to a sinking ship of an argument that they make up facts to support it. Maybe other scholars can have an intervention for them:

"You can't just keep making up facts. We think its time to admit you don't have a rational argument for your position."

"I'm not the one without the rational argument! You're the ones without the rational argument!"

"Calm down. We're here to help you."

So is there like a Total-Dumbasses Anonymous for these people to go to? Without a support group, it won't be long before they go right back to writing more anti-gun crap and pissing me off. And that improves no one's safety.

Monday, September 16, 2002

Link of the Day

Bill Quick's dismissal of Reno gave me a chuckle, and, if I don't laugh about this, I'll cry. Please, God, let this be over soon. I think the only reason she was running for governor in Florida anyway is to just further piss-off Cuban Americans.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I have decided to add to the left sidebar more quotes of people who said nice things about my site. I bet many people come here and don't know if they like the site or not, but then they'll see all the smart people who like my site and thus decide to like it too. Everyone wants to be smart.

Also, I noticed that Michael of the site has nominated me as one of the three funniest bloggers (brainy-redneck... I like that). This was a smart thing to do. The other two are Natalie Solent and my arch-nemesis, Scott Ott of Scrappleface. Damn you, Scott Ott!

Has anyone thought of making some official blogging awards, like the "Bloggies" or something? I think this is a good idea; I should get a Bloggie for coming up with it.

Kill Animals, Not Plants

A report talks about how many vegetarians are coming back to eating meat. That seems about right, because that whole vegetarian thing never made sense anyway. What's the difference between a vegetarian burger and a regular beef burger? Both are just processed vegetables, the former had the processing done by machines and the latter done naturally by a cow. And which one tastes better? Nature's way of course. When a cow eats vegetables, it has this almost magical ability to sort out only the tasty parts of vegetables and then repackage it in the form of yummy meat. But those nature-hating vegetarians think they can outdo God's way and thus are arrogant and evil.

And what's with this complaint about how animals are treated on farms? Vegetables are treated even worse; they're kept in one place their entire lives and not allowed any mobility at all. And plants never try to harm people, while animals, on the other hand, can be mean. Once, my dog bit me; she didn't even give a reason. That's just how animals are. Not once, though, have I been attacked by a house plant. So, obviously, it is much more moral to kill animals than plants.

New Fad in the Middle East

Despite all the expressed hatred towards America, many in the Middle East actually enjoy many parts of American culture; they drink Coca-Cola and eat at McDonalds just like civilized nations. It looks like another American cultural import has caught on, one called "rational thought." The Sauds have now said they will allow the U.S. to use its bases for an attack on Iraq. They put the condition on it that the U.S. needs U.N. backing first and are still against a regime change, and thus we can not be certain whether this rational thought craze will actually takes roots in Middle Eastern societies or just be a temporary fad.

Custody Disputes are Always Hardest on the Disputed, But, in This Case, That's a Good Thing

America seems to be in some sort of custody dispute with Pakistan over Rami Binalshibh (and what is up with this photo; is he like totally baked, or what?). Germany threatened to further complicate things by also calming custody, but they ended up backing down like a good European country. Anyway, maybe America and Pakistan can broker some deal between them where they share joint custody, America getting him most of the time to subject him to psychological torture, while Pakistan can get him every other weekend to beat him and pull his finger nails out and what not.

Somehow, though, I don't think America will have as much trouble getting custody of a terrorist in Pakistan as they do little American girls in Saudi Arabia.

Friday, September 13, 2002

Kicking Ass Elsewhere for the Weekend

I'm going to a martial arts clinic in Orlando this weekend (sometimes guns jam; then what do you do?), so the distribution of free IMAO brand ice cream will most likely cease until Monday. And, since I just made the free ice cream reference, I'm finally adding Lileks to my blogroll. Anyone heard of him before?

Link of the Day

Hawkgirl is back to blogging and reveals that geeks can be vengeful creatures if angered. And how can someone not like curry?

Best Scheme Yet

I have to applaud Microsoft's new scheme to get people to pay them for upgrades; they really had to think about it ahead of time. They built a horrible security hole into Microsoft Word, keep it secret for years, then suddenly have it revealed when they need to spur upgrade sales (they are only repairing the problem for the most recent version). Pure evil genius.

Warning to Criminals

I have just received my concealed weapons permit in the mail today, so let it be a warning to all criminals out there in Florida or in the states that reciprocate its permit (which I may visit at some point) that there is yet another armed citizen out there. Your next mugging could be your last!

Then again, how many violent criminals read blogs? Actually, if one started one, he might fill an interesting niche.

A Plea to God

Please, God, no more of this. 1,800 votes just suddenly found? Come on, what's that about? For my sanity, I need this to be over. I've been a good Catholic. I'm nice to people. I feed the homeless and shelter the hungry. I've never killed a hobo. What else do You want from me? Do I have the wrong religion, because I'll switch. I'll even try that one where you get bitten by snakes; to be honest, I've sorta suspected that was the one true faith. And I'm sorry I asked Your son to hit Reno with a bus; that was out of line, and it won't happen again. All I want is for McBride to have enough of a margin of victory that a recount isn't triggered, okay? You see, I'm one of the good ones; I understand how voting problems are just Your way to cancel out the votes of stupid people. I won't try and prevent it and instead will cherish it as great part of our democracy. So, is it now good between us? (or is that "Us"?)

Suicide Bombings Can Bring Peace

I always thought the Palestinians were some the dumbest people on earth to think that suicide bombings would bring them any better outcome than Israel dropping the beat down on them, but I've started to see how they can work towards the goal of peace. A bomb has exploded in a Gaza home killing a number of terrorists working on it; if there are a number of more suicide bombings like that, then I think there will be peace between Israel and the Palestinians.

Mother of All Dumbasses

According to the Drudge Report, Iraq's new strategy is to also threaten Israel. So, they already have the most powerful nation in the world gunning for them, so they decide to then pester the only other civilized nation out there who isn't afraid of conflict? People make fun of a lot of the countries in the middle east because they haven't made any advancements in like anything for the past few hundred years, but they do seem to be making headway on becoming the leaders on ways to commit suicide.

Benevolent America Talks to Other Countries

Bush, as part of his compassionate conservatism, told our reasons why we wanted a war with Iraq to the U.N. as if any other countries mattered in the decision. Some may think we set a bad precedent which will lead to other countries feeling they can give us their opinions on other things as well, but I think Bush had his heart in the right place. He explained things very carefully to them and talked to them almost like they were adults. Some of the things were probably scary for these other countries to hear, such as how Iraq has continued development of weapons of mass destruction, but I think many of the countries in attendance were mature enough to hear it. A good indication of that was how there were few incidents when milk and cookies were served afterwards. France whined it's cookie didn't have many chocolate chips in it, and then started crying when Germany said something to him, but, other than that, it was a relatively quiet affair. Talk of war, though, left most countries too stimulated for nap time.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Link of the Day

Eugene Volokh proves that C++ isn't any better than C. To think I wasted all that time learning the class structure. He later updated with some dispute over whether (C++ < C) actually evaluates to true or false, but I tried it at work today and it was true. My apologies to anyone who doesn't know anything about programming.

The Mind of a Terrorist

Richard Reid, the attempted shoe bomber, has revealed that his motivation was seeing Jews with guns in a mosque. This is important to hear, because, to defeat one's enemy, you must understand how his mind works. So here is what we know so far:

Subject: Richard Reid
Status: Radical Muslim
Stimuli: Jews with guns
Initial Emotion: Anger
Final Reaction: "Must... blow-up... shoes!"

Hmm... interesting, but more data is needed. I say we subject him to a Presbyterian with a machete and a Hindu with a taser and watch what article of clothing he tries to explode.

Reno Must Be Stopped!

Oh, no, not again. It looks like McBride won the Democratic primary, but Reno is probably going to ask for a recount. I can't take this. I need to know Reno is done for... now. I don't care if Jeb will have a better chance against Reno; the risk is not worth it. Please, Jesus, I beg of you, end this election now. The surest way, and this is just a suggestion, is to hit Reno with a bus. There are a lot of buses out there, so no one will think it was you who did it if she perchance gets run over by one. I mean, if she got hit by a meteor, people might start thinking, "Hey, that doesn't just happen by accident; I bet Jesus did it. Let's get him!" but, with a bus, you'd get off scott free. I know contract killing is not your usual thing, but this is an extraordinary circumstance. You see, I have a house being finished here in Florida next month, and I can't already start thinking about moving.

Zeus Should Punish All Involved

The Greek ban on all videogames was overturned by the courts. Honestly, I don't know much about Greece - last I heard about them they were conquered by the Romans and I'm sorta surprised to find out they're still around - but I wonder about how Greece's democracy works if their parliament could be filled with enough idiots to first pass that ban. According to the article, they had no clue that banning all videogame would be an issue. Now, I don't think many of our congressman frag each other online, but most seem to be able to use iota of sense before just suddenly banning something. I think we should send some human rights monitors over there to make sure everyone can play chess online uninhibited.

Why We Hate Them

In case you were wondering what is wrong with America, The Guardian was kind of enough to put a number of reasons on their Comment page on Sept. 11th. Simon Schama thinks that our problem, among other things (he suddenly start rambling against big businesses as if possessed by Nader), is our religiousness. He wonders why we didn't use the horrible attack to doubt God. Something that could be debated, but I question his timing unless one would argue that tact is a purely religious virtue.

Khalil Shikaki blames America for absolutely everything that has ever gone wrong in the Middle East (I guess that's a change from blaming the Jews). The reason that Muslims there are so pathetic, stupid, and oppressed is because America is so big and mean. I didn't finish the article, but I assume it ended with Shikaki suggesting Muslims, instead of praying towards Mecca, should pray towards America since we have such absolute control over them. Me, I say we be a wrathful god.

Mark Hertsgaard, a "fellow" American, blames our media for our problems in his ludicrous editorial, saying all we get is government propaganda and asserting against reality we don't have any debate over here about the issues and that American news tried to hide that Bush told countries "either you are with us or you are with the terrorists." Where the hell did they get this guy? Did The Guardian just grab the first loon they could find in America who was standing on the street corner raving about our nation? And if one wonders why we don't listen more to other countries, it's because we have people Hertsgaard locally if we want to hear the views of a whiny little bitch; why waste money on an international call.

I Just Have to Keep Reminding Myself that The Nation in No Way Reflects Our Nation

If you ever wondered what sad, pathetic excuses for human beings read The Nation and take it seriously, here is a good indication. They asked for letters from their readers on how Sept. 11th had changed them, and in response they got whines about patriotism, knee-jerk screeds about Bush and Ashcroft, and, of course, the ever lovely "we deserved this". If I found out all my readers were such hateful, intolerable scum, I'd probably commit suicide... no, wait, make that murder-suicide; I'd at least be courteous enough to first clean up my mess.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

September 11th

I considered writing some long, serious essay for today, but I decided it was just too pretentious. I'm only 23; I still feel too young to have any real wisdom to impart. I would just like to briefly point out the firemen who died that day. When the towers were burning, they charged in there. There was no debate, no extended worry of the consequences, no careful judging of their lives versus the lives they could potentially save; people were in need, so they went to help, and they just left the other details to Someone else. God damn us if we do any different.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Links of the Day

I had commented somewhat today on the celebration of Sept. 11th by radical Muslims in London, but, after reading Rachel Lucas's take on the subject, I realized my sentiments were woefully inadequate. Also, Bob Owen has a critique of the Homeland Security Advisory System.

Entry Number 4 in the IMAO "What Countries Suck" Survey: Portugal
Verdict: Where is Portugal?

Portugal is cautioning Bush on Iraq. Why do they even get to register an opinion? I've heard of Portugal before, but I can't remember if it's in Europe or South America. You could blame my ignorance of geography for that, but I blame Portugal for being so insignificant that's its never in the news for me to know anything about it. I don't get it how all these silly little countries can just come up to the president of the United States and tell us what to do. There are like a thousand countries - most of them not even worth mentioning. Can America really be expected to keep track of them all? What Portugal should do is tell their opinion to either Britain or Brazil (according to whatever continent it's actually on), and, if that country considers it important enough, then they can pass it on. Hierarchies, yo.

Buzz Aldrin Kicks Ass!

Some guy didn't believe that Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon and asked him to swear on the Bible that he was there, and Buzz was like, "Swear on this, bitch!" and popped him one right in the face, God bless him (link thanks to Best of the Web). You ever seen one of those Saturn V rockets? That has to be the most complex thing man ever made, but American ingenuity was able to make it work and got the courageous Buzz and Neil on the moon to put our flag on it and claim it as American property, just as God intended it. Now, any foreign movie that uses a full moon as a romantic back-drop has to pay us royalties.

Buzz didn't just punch that guy for his own honor, but for the honor of our entire nation. He's a true American hero.

Fatah Ain't So Bad

Arafat's Fatah movement has now condemned attacks against Israeli civilians and say they will prevent them. What a bunch of nice guys. I think I now see why Arafat won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1994 (how do I know that?). Before, I thought everyone in Fatah should be beaten severely, have their fingernails pulled out, and then force them to watch their homes being burned before their slow end comes through disemboweling... but now that just sounds so mean. I say just a bullet to the head for those jolly good fellows.

Right-Wing Media Bias

It's way too easy to find left-wing bias in the media - hell you can't swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting left-wing bias - but I always wondered if I'd be able to spot right-wing bias in a new story. Well, I just read this article on, and tell me if it doesn't sound a bit like an editorial, especially the last couple paragraphs (I'm sorry; I don't know how to do proper quote indenting with blogger):

"But four days ago, Daschle sounded a different tune.

"'What has changed over the course of the last 10 years that brings this country to the belief that it has to act in a pre-emptive fashion?'

"What has changed by most accounts is that after four years of continued weapons development, Saddam is even more dangerous than he was when Daschle was advocating military action.

"What also has changed is the resident of the White House, a Republican president, who maintains very high popularity ratings."

Now, of course, it is correct, but it sure seems to point someone to a conclusion rather than just give the facts. For those interested, my own position is that the Democrats are evil opportunists who will take any position, no matter how harmful to Americans, as long as it leads to taxing the rich. And they think anyone who's an assistant manager at McDonalds and up are rich. What we should do if we really want to help our nation in the war on terror is round up all Democrats, put them in a space ship, and launch it into the sun. I know, you're all probably saying, "Hey, you stupid right-wing barbarian, why would we do something so hare-brained and expensive as that when we could just throw the Democrats into the nearest volcano to incinerate them. Think, you idiot!"

Well, here's what I have to say to you liberal, soft-on-crime ninnies who want to just throw everyone in a volcano: Wake up, people! A punishment as quick and relatively painless as throwing someone into a volcano is not going to change things. These people need a long excruciating flight to the sun during which they can think about how wrong they are for being Democrats. That's the only way to make them learn!

Time for Mass "Martyrdom"

London is to host a celebration of Sept. 11th by radical Muslims (link thanks to Best of the Web). Can't we just bomb them? I know, the government can't just punish people because of their view points, but, remember, they aren't in America; they're in Britain, so I don't think they have God-given rights. I bet Tony Blair will let us fly in some bombers and wipe them out because he's been pretty cool lately.

Drop Violent Crime by Dropping Criminals

Violent crime dropped by 9 percent last year, marking the lowest level since the government first started surveying victims. People are saying the decrease is from a strong economy and tougher sentencing, but I bet it's our good ole friend guns. The article mentions that car theft actually rose by 7 percent, which means criminals are switching to victims they know can't shoot them (unless it's the Bond car). This is expected, because all criminals throughout history, from the violent thugs of today to the first caveman who jacked someone else's wheels, dislike being shot by a .45 automatic. It's an extremely unpleasant phenomenon, and its harsh symptoms are well known:

*sharp pain
*blood loss
*loss of bladder control
*sudden weight loss
*heart failure
*heart explosion
*loss of stomach contents through vomiting
*loss of stomach contents through new hole in the abdomen

A .45 automatic does have the good affect of instantly turning a violent criminal into someone quite law abiding, except, perhaps, for their new reckless disregard of loitering laws.

Monday, September 09, 2002

Link of the Day

This has to be the longest blog post I have ever seen. On a day I've gotten more sleep and my attention span isn't acting up, I'll try and read it all.

So Are N'Sync and Backstreet Boys the Same Thing or Something Different... Someone Please Throw Me a Bone Here

"Lance Bass kicked off space flight" reads the headline, but the story is actually much less interesting than it sounds. It ends up he was kicked off before they launched, not while actually in space. When I first read the headline, I thought they ran into some problem with the air supply, and, if they could increase the supply by exactly the amount of air a Lance Bass would consume, the rest could survive.

"Lance Bass, we all drew straws," the head astronaut told him, faking a somber mood, "And since I drew the longest one, I get to kick you off. You want to do this the hard way or the easy way." He then smiled sinisterly. "Please choose the hard way."

And the Lance Bass was like, "Yo, yo, yo! What the dealio?" (Or he wasn't like that; I honestly don't know what a Lance Bass sounds like. I'm just not "with it.")

"It's just the way things are, Lance Bass," the astronaut answered firmly, carefully hiding his elation, "To have enough air supply, we either have to remove one Lance Bass or five albino mice. That's one Lance Bass versus five rodents; which one is more fair?"

"You guys kick it old school!" was Lance Bass's last words before being ejected out the air lock with an ominous thud.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Damn You Haloscan!

About half of the entries from the debate that was going on in the comment section of my post "One Messed Up Chick" have disappeared. Plus, one comment I did delete (me just writing "test") has reappeared. Haloscan had been flickering on and off for the last few days, so the most logical explanation is that a previous back-up copy of the posts was put into place, one missing the newer posts but including one older one. The less probable but more interesting explanation (and the one I choose to believe) is that we have angered God by our debate of atheism, and, in a show of His mighty wrath, He has smitten some comments from the face of the earth while resurrecting others. Please, O Lord! I bow before Your glory and beseech thee to leave the rest of our post unsmoten and to leave alone the deleted posts we wish forgotten! I shall burn an animal in sacrifice to appease Thy wrath! I hope You don't mind if it's stolen.

Anyway, though it is the policy of IMAO that we (meaning I) can delete comments for any reason, especially to just be mean, unfair, and to rewrite history in a more flattering light, I assure you I did not delete those comments and will see if there is some way to restore them. To summarize what was deleted, I believe we all ended up in agreement that you can't prove or disprove that undetectable elves control our lives. Also, I think I decided to become an atheist in the end, but I can't quite remember. I hope not, though, because it will be a lot of work. First, I'll have to remove the crosses from my walls, get myself off the church mailing list, and remove the Jesus fish from my car (which, when I put it on there, I thought was the symbol for the band Phish). Also, the pope is stopping by for dinner next weekend, and you just know me being an atheist will put a damper on the evening. He probably then won't let me try on the pope hat, and thus another one of my dreams will go unfulfilled.

UPDATE: All the forementioned comments have reappeared, but all of today's comments have disappeared. And it has started to rain frogs. I made up one of those.

That Arafat Sure is a Character

It ends up that Arafat only condemned attacks on Israeli civilians but didn't outlaw them. In the same speech, he also jokingly talked about resignation. I got my own idea for a really funny joke Israel can play on Arafat. First, they launch a missile at his compound, the heat of the explosion instantly vaporizing his body. Then they... uh... well, I guess I haven't thought of a punchline for the joke yet, but I bet you can tell it will be a real knee-slapper!

Entry Number 3 in the IMAO "What Countries Suck" Survey: Germany
Verdict: Uber-sucks

The Germans, trying to compensate for their harsh sounding language, are in a race with France to become the biggest wussies in the world in their actions. Schroeder is being super anti-war to try and do better in the polls with his cowardly populace while his opponent Stroiber has had to back off from being too pro-American. The article mentions that Germany is "a country with a deep pacifist streak." Now, I had a public school education, so my knowledge of history is quite sketchy, but somehow I think I remember that Germany wasn't always so pacifist. Yeah, and I think the time they took up arms wasn't for a good cause like we would ask them now, but something that was... what's that word... not good. Nah, I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

Arafat's Change of Heart

Arafat wants to pass a law banning murder-suicide bombings. I guess he ain't so bad after all. Let's kill him last.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Link of the Day

Rand Simberg points out a serious and moving column by Dave Barry about Flight 93 and adds his own thoughts to it.

Canada Does Completely Suck

I was justing thinking how great it was that there are a few other countries out there sensible enough to back us, but then I find our local-Europeans, the Canadians, won't support our attack on Iraq. How can they be such losers when they're so close to America all the time; you think we'd rub off on them more than the European ninnies across the pond. Of course, it's not like they have to worry because they know we're right here and will stop any attacks, those ungreatful, hockey-playing bastards. But I guess I shouldn't expect anything more from them; if I remember history right (and I don't), at the dawn of our new nation, we banished all those who were too big of a loser to be a part of our kick ass country to the barren lands of Canada where they would surely die either from the cold or by being eaten by the meese. Unfortunately, they somehow survived, and many became hilarious comedians. The best ones moved here, still leaving the lands of Canada populated by those too big of a reject to be Americans.

All Other Countries Don't Completely Suck

It's always concerned me that pretty much no other country than the U.S. is for a war against Iraq. What this says to me - and to any logical person - is that all other countries are a bunch of pathetic, whiny losers. What the hell is wrong with them? I know, you're probably saying, "Frank, don't be concerned with what other countries think; they suck and we don't need them for anything." This is true, but it would improve my faith in humanity if just a few more weren't cowardly naysayers. Luckily, Tony Blair comes along and starts talking so sensibly that you'd think he is an American. From reading The Guardian, I got this idea that the British were a bunch of crumpet eating pansies, but luckily that's far from the truth. Now no one else can say, "The whole world is against invading Iraq." It's the whole world minus Britain, biatch!

Saturday, September 07, 2002

Link of the Day

Rachel Lucas has found out that her father links Bill Clinton to Osama bin Laden. I have notified the FBI, and they have assured me they will investigate it sometime within the next decade.

Search Engines are the Opiate of the People

Now China has blocked AltaVista in addition to Google just to make it clear to everyone they're still evil Commies. They can't have information going unfiltered to their populace making them realize how much better life would be if they just lynched all the Reds in charge. There doesn't seem to be any official statement on either AltaVista's or Google's webpage, but hopefully they'll do the proper American thing by responding, "Screw you, you stupid Commie bastards!" and then make one result of every search something embarrassing to the Chinese government.

Quiet, Everyone... Bill Clinton is Giving Military Advice!

I think Clinton has begun to think of other people than himself. Carter made a fool of himself with his Washington Post Op-ed on the war on terror, so Clinton comes to his rescue by giving an opinion so asinine it makes Carter look like Henry Kissinger in comparison. We should find Osama bin Laden before we go after Saddam? Does he even listen to himself? So he thinks we need to find beardo first when all that's possibly left of him is his thigh bone before we go after someone who actually kill people now.

That anyone ever voted for that man is going to go down in history as one of America's worst atrocities, right alongside slavery and the internment of Japanese-Americans.

Friday, September 06, 2002

Was Aaron Burr a Crack Dealer?

My man Eugene Volokh rips apart yet some more gun stupidity where the Violence Policy Center has made Alexander Hamilton their poster boy for handgun violence, like he was killed in a gang shooting crossfire or something. He fought a duel, you nitwits! Why is it when guns are involved that many people resort to the most twisted of logic? I always thought the main attack of a gun was to fire a bullet, but, apparently, it also has the power to turn some people into drooling idiots.

One Messed Up Chick

I first started reading The Guardian after September 11th, and, if I needed a straw man to argue against, there seems to be no better source than their columnists. Every once in a while, there is something intelligent there worth reading, but most of the time it's like staring at a car wreck. Today's column by Polly Toynbee is one such example. It's yet another "religion is the source of all that's bad in the world" spiel prompted by the refusing of "secularists" (admittedly a nicer sounding term than the 'a' word) to help make something called the Thought of the Day for some radio station. My favorite line from her fanatical rant is "The Pope kills millions through his reckless spreading of Aids." Who knew such an old man could get around like that? I guess that should quell any argument about him being so feeble he must retire. The other great line is how she argues the proof that morality is inherent in everyone is a child crying out, "Unfair!" Well, that is the liberal motto... and arguably my most hated term of all. Fair and Unfair are the bastard, in and out of juvee children of Just and Unjust, cried by ninnies who want things their way irregardless of others. Anyone who takes whining as a sign of morality is a scary person indeed.

Step Out of Line, and There Will Be Some Turbulence

The Senate has voted 87-6 to arm pilots. Yay guns! Even Hollings, who's an ass, voted for it. It's just nice to see such universal support for a measure involving guns; it's as if almost all the Senators were thinking rationally. Now I just wonder if we can get a universal conceal and carry bill passed through.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

Link of the Day and an IMAO Flashback

I read this funny rant about rainforests on Right Wing News today, and it reminded me of the very first political rant I ever wrote. It was written a number of years back during my Freshman year of college when I was young, naive, and not as hard-hearted as I am now. Luckily, I found it's still floating around the internet and found a link to it. It's entitled "What the Hell is a Rainforest?"

No One Ever Searched for Commie Propaganda Anyway

China has blocked Google, because... well... because they're evil, stupid commie bastards. Can't have people searching for things that aren't government approved, you know? Google took a hit in my mind when I found out from Geeks With Guns (last item of 29th of August entry) that they wussed out like Ebay and won't accept any ads dealing with weapons, but getting banned by China helps my opinion. Hopefully Google will stand strong like a true American company should.

Update on Hawkgirl

The link some loyalist terrorist supporter using the pseudonym G.G. was hassling Emily Jones over is The Portadown News. Definitely an interesting read; I just need to figure out what some of that Irish slang means.

Emily has a great site, and hopefully she'll get back to posting soon.

Let's Not Make Any Rash Decisions Until We Hear What Carter Has to Say

If failure took human form and then penned an op-ed piece on the war on terror, this is what it would look like.

Which One of You Told Mo Mowlam?

Mo Mowlam has found out that this whole war on terror and war against Iraq are just covers for our actual plan to secure oil for ourselves. We were supposed to keep this secret from foreigners, guys! If more people find this out, our sinister plans will be foiled. Now I have to get a "cleaning crew" together and take care of everyone who reads The Guardian.

For a good article in the Guardian that requires no killing, read Timothy Garton Ash's introspective column about communism and how it is viewed today versus Nazism.

Stupid People Should Feel Bad About Themselves

I found this article by Mark Goldblatt through Joanna Jacobs (who found it through Number 2 Pencil; such is the blogosphere) and I found its assertion that "ignorance is no longer tempered with humility" in students particularly enlightening. So many people today assert opinions without even knowing basic facts, and the reason why was some teachers were foolish enough to give them self-esteem that was unwarranted. Stupid people shouldn't have self-esteem; it's like giving a chimp a gun but much more annoying. When people have self-esteem, they think they have relevant things to say when too often that is far from the truth. Teachers should be extremely frugal with self-esteem, only giving it to the highest achievers, i.e., those deserving. Everyone else should be constantly berated for their ignorance until they are too scared to ever open their fool mouths. If this is followed, most of the idiotic opinions out there will cease to have people willing to assert them, and the world will be a more tranquil and peaceful place.

UPDATE: Response on brand new blog IMFO. Hmm.

Greece is Now the Number One Human Rights Violator in My Book

Eugue Volokh blogged a while back about when it is appropriate for an armed revolution. My answer originally was when a country tries to take away your guns that's the time for a armed revolution because, hell, its your last chance. I found another time for revolt when I heard about this law they passed in Greece. The bastards banned video games! If I can't help Super Mario collect the Shines, then it would a mockey of the principles of liberty to continue on as if nothing had happened. If I no longer can frag people online with a virtual M-16 and spout about how gay campers are, then it's time to get a real M-16, load it up with a 90rd drum magazine, and have myself a coup. Don't worry, as long as ole Frank is around, I'll make sure everyone is free to ride the bus while fighting a Venomoth with a Pikachu (though please wear earphones).

Can You Believe These Jerk-offs?

Best of the Web found this article in Asia Times detailing the Sauds extravagant visit to Spain. This is why I could never be a politician, because I could not be paid enough to take jackasses like them seriously as world leaders. They got their people living in misery and ignorance while feeding off of radical Islam and anti-Americanism while at the same time they're living it up with prostitutes. And if I met those scumbags and they wouldn't acknowledge a woman in my party, they would have to quickly determine what's more important to Allah: them beings dicks or not getting a major ass whup'n.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Link of the Day

Some dick out there has sent threatening e-mails to Emily Jones about a link she has on her page. It's upset her and she decided to take a breather from blogging. She hasn't said what link the jackass found so offensive, so I guess the only solution is to patronize them all.

When Arafat Dies, They Can Give Him a 21 Exile Salute

Israel expelled two relatives of a Palestinian terrorist for being complicit in his actions. They got money and weren't shot or nothing, so it seemed like a sweet deal for them, but still lots of people are angry for some unfathomable reason. Maybe it's the whole inefficiency of the expulsion process; it involved a whole convoy of jeeps just to get two people from the West Bank to Gaza. Now, I'm an engineer, so I'm always looking for the more efficient ways to do things. That's why I propose to Israel to build something I will call the Expel-o-matic; it will be like a giant airgun. The expellee gets to say goodbye to his relatives and then is placed in the loading chamber. Then pressurized air sends the Palestinian in a direct path from the West Bank to Gaza without a whole lot of hoopla. Israel can also show they're compassionate by giving the person a helmet (price of helmet comes out of 1,000 shekel allotment), thus silencing shrill voices in Europe. Also, it could be used as a way of getting rid of Arafat by putting up a sign saying "Free Baby Wipes" that points into the loading the chamber. Hmm, come to think of it, I probably got this whole idea from a Looney Tunes episode. Anyway, as always, if someone is interested, please send me millions of dollars. And you better add in a little more money than you think it will cost, because I do tend to embezzle.

Frank Solution to World Hunger

Colin Powell ended up being heckled at Johannesburg. How dumb are these people? Don't they realize that Powell is the only person who might actually listen to their idiotic opinions instead of just turning the hose on them?

Anyway, I have my own pratical plan for solving world hunger for those who are interested. It involves another problem: endangered species. I'm always hearing how all our polution, hunting, and cutting down forests have caused so many different animals to become endangered - hell, there are so many endangered species now you can't hardly swing a dead cat without hitting one. So why don't we round up all these endangered species and feed them to the hungry; there should be plenty for everyone. Then two problems will be solved: no more hunger and no more endangered species. Everyone will be happy.

The French Surrender

France has surrendered to the idea that America will probably go to war with Iraq no matter what they do, so they decided to not make an issue of it and instead stress areas of agreement. That's so rational of them, I almost can't believe it. Is this the beginning of a new friendly relationship between France and America? Then what happens to French hating? I can't imagine ever giving that up; that hatred of France was passed on from my grandfather to my father and then to me - and one day I hope to pass it on to my own children. It's a scary thing to think I may have to give it up, for what legacy of a snooty country to make fun of will be left for the future?

But, to remind me of why I disdained the French in first place, Jacques Chirac has proposed a world tax to fight poverty. Oh, yippee, global wealth redistribution. I already had proposed my own world tax called the "other-country tax." Being another country than the U.S. puts an extra burden on America's efforts to keep the world from getting all blowed up, so this is a luxury tax on all nations that wish to be independent of the U.S.A. I'm sure a lot of other-countries won't like this idea, but they don't have to like it; they just have to get their money in before what shall become known as "cruise-missile day."

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Link of the Day

Eugene Volokh unravels the twisted logic of a 2nd Amendment critic.

Reason Number 1457 for Invading Iraq

Experts say that Iraq has tons of chemical weapons. If we had it together though, the headline would read, "Iraq had tons of chemical weapons, as determined from trace elements found on the ash that once was Baghdad." I hate to repeat myself (though it is easier than coming up with new stuff to say), but why haven't we taken out Saddam yet? I mean even we don't find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, at least we killed an evil dictator. It's not like instead of finding evidence of bio-weapons we'll find evidence that he secretly ran charities to fight world hunger and give puppies to orphans. "Man, do we fell bad now; we totally misjudged Saddam. Because of our unilateralism, we killed him for nothing more than wanting to help children."

Now Mandela is getting on our case about wanting to attack Iraq. He doesn't want us to go bombing countries on our own since we're the only superpower and need to set an example. What the hell? That's like saying to Superman, "Hey, don't go flying around shooting laser out your eyes; it scares children." What's the point of being a superpower if we don't throw our weight around for the cause of good? I don't know who Mandela is, what's his story, or where Africa is, but if he is really concerned about the world, he should start some bake sales to get money for more American cruise missiles.

Old-Fashioned God-Off

What is it with being an atheist and pissing people off? No one is trying to kill them or imprison them, so why can't they just be happy being a tolerated minority. But no, they feel it's a mission from not-God to pee in everyone's corn flakes. Michael Newdow is now trying to end tax-payer funded chaplains because he thinks it violates the establishment clause, by, I dunno, establishing a government religion of chaplin-dom or something. So what if they government believes in God? It believes the world is round too, but it's not like jack-booted thugs will kick down your door if you believe otherwise (well, I don't think they do; I didn't actually looked it up). But maybe, to settle things, we could have one of those God-offs like in the the Old Testament where people prayed to their god for miracles versus God god; it could be a huge event! I guess we'd have some big American religious leaders praying for God to do stuff versus people who really really don't believe in God praying to not-God to not do stuff. Then again, I guess it wouldn't be that interesting; maybe it could be broadcast on ESPN2.

No Comment

There was a denial of service attack against over the weekend. Maybe if you guys wrote better comments, people wouldn't do that. I'm just say'n...

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Links of the Day

ScrappleFace reports on yet another radio stunt ending in arrests. Also, Ishmin J. (no realtion) tells about her changing feelings about the occupation.

You Don't Say

"Iraqi official calls U.S. charges 'baseless'"-- headline, CNN, Sept. 1

Yeah, I know, but Best of the Web is still on break.

And You Laughed at Those Super Bowl Ads

The DEA has evidence that a Midwest methamphetamine operation was diverting money to a Middle East terrorist groups. Somehow, I just knew all this terrorism and everything could be traced back to stupid, punk teenagers, always making noise, wearing weird clothing, and buying meth to support terrorists. The next target of the war on terror should be MTV; that'll learn 'em.